Tentarukia's Tentacle Rape Chronicles submitted by Darkshaunz

Hay guise. You may or may not have noticed some faceless stranger staggering into the guild one day called "Tentarukia". Which I thought was a non-obvious disguise and I would never be found out, ever. Also I had King Remeturkey change my status in-guild to Fork's cousin to fool the lot of you even more. Thinking I had fooled everyone stupid by sekritly leveling to 80, I was surprised to find out that everybody knew who I was and then I was a zombie. Also dicks @ Arlaris for catching on so quickly.



It's been a while since I played the world of vorecraft, about a year. The last thing I did was play a fat dwarf warrior and wipe raids in Karazhan. I actually came back for about 1 week to check out the Sunwell stuff when that came out and then pissed off again. So anyway, here are the chronicles of my adventures thus far. I hope you enjoy, enjoy me raping your eye sockets with my infinite tendrils of lust that is.




What I understand from the lore so far

Bitch king Arthas and his mans takes Northrend, which is like Osama Bin Laden taking over Antartica or something. Nobody really gives a shit except for the crusading shitheads over at the Argent Dawn/Crusade/Templars/Knights/Righteous Fuckfarts. Arthas and his guys actually managed to scare Azeroth so bad that they pull heroes from Outland to fight in Azeroth again. As far as I am concerned, the burning crusade is STILL happening. So at the moment, Outlands is unprotected by all the Tier 1,281 level 80 epix heroes and all it's inhabitants will be overrun by demons from the void. Great work heroes of Azeroth! you dicks.

To accentuate the sense of suckery in Asseroth, some dumbshit dragon aspect decided that being sane pretty much full of fail. His name is Malygos, and he and his blue dragonshit have taken to starting their own crusade - genociding everything that uses magic. So it's all good to be an Azerothian these days - what with a necromantic superpower in the north and a crazed dragon god looking to massacre your civilization because you can cast some shitty fairy spell. So as a hero in these troubled times, you must face the Bitch King and as a secondary objective - counter-genocide the entire blue dragonshit before they genocide you (this game is rated T for Teen).





"House Rules"

They say to immerse yourself, your character should have a backstory or some shit. Well I did play "Darkshaunz the lvl 70 offtank which raid leaders would get an aneurysm the moment he said he was coming the Dwarf warrior". For roleplaying purposes Darkshaunz the dwarf died of a heart attack because he ate a life-size rukia figurine made out of civet cats, bacon, cream and mayonnaise. He was then ressurected as "Tentarukia", the Night Elf Death Knight. In essence, he became what he always wanted - a generic anime looking elf whore that wears the skimpiest armour at any given time.

Like all warcraft starting quests and quests in general - you start doing crap for Arthas just so you can see the moment you turn on that son of a bitch. This includes: mass murder, genocide, ethnic cleansing, torture, fear mongering and terrorism (so basically everything you did as a hero of Azeroth in your previous life). The game tries to mess with your moral compass as you start to slaughter clearly helpless citizens in some backwater village. Being the lord of tentacles whom seeks underaged prey, this was something which I performed above and beyond the call of duty. I did it so well, the other level 56 Dks around me literally had no citizens to kill. Suffer well, comrade.

Then some stuff happened and I get my mount and then there was this epic battle where Arthas himself leads and sends you to Light's Hope Chapel to do something. During this time, Arthas, who has the military might of pretty much 3 Americas combined - only sends a handful of death knights, two flesh beasts and some cannon fodder ghouls. For the undying king of all undeath, he sure is one massive moron. He can't even do the (in)human wave right, it's not like he doesn't have the troops. Naturally we lose the fight and Tirion Fuckyeah comes out from his shithouse chapel and is all like, "Arthas knows whats under this piece of shit, thats why he sent you here to die". Me and this other dk spammed our /gasp and /cheer macros over and over like downies (we were the only ones there).

WHAT A TWEEST. It was the Lich King who turned on us! Oh the (in)humanity! Anyway, Arthas then appears and gets his ass caned by Tiron, who now has a sweet ass sword which Darion Migraine gave him. After a quick blowjob, the Ebon Knights are now allied with the alliance and declare war on Arthas.





Outland - It's really OUT there you know, in space.

Whilst you heartless bastards are raiding Ulduar and leaving the soft vulnerable flesh of the Outlands exposed to the demonic forces of Sargeras, I left to do my bit for galactic peace and tranquility (by genociding everything and doing the occasional collecting of boars for steak - which seems to be the primary food for everyone in the universe as EVERYONE needs some kind of steak). I killed them all, Fel Orcs, Fel Boars, Fel Cultists, Cultist Fel Boars and Orcish Fel Cults. Hellfire peninsula was stained red with the unholy slaughter which my craptacular green 2H sword dealt out. During my travels through Hellfire Penisula, I met many great warriors and allies - all of whom I can't remember. One guy got pissed that I ninja'd his arrakoa egg though. That shit was funny.




As I grew in power, I craved to go to back to Azeroth where the women were finer and there were less world edges which I could fall off from. Long story short, my outlands adventure was mostly committing mass murder on different species of creatures. Sometimes it was bird people, sometimes it was ogres - but it always resulted in a trail of blood and death. Finally hitting level 68, I bid Outlands farewell to begin my push to the next power summit - 80 and beyond!





Northrend - Rending, in the North.

So I went to Menethil Harbour to catch my boat to Howling Fjord, this was really exciting as I wanted to see what Northrend would offer me! Upon arriving at the Fjord channel, as I was welcomed by a burning ship hanging by the cliff. I was naturally shocked, I was expecting bambi-like creatures to come aboard and kiss me on the cheek and birds to put on my Cinderella dress whilst the sun poured it's warm and smiling beams upon my child-like and subtle skin. Of course I was excited....what a welcome! the first thing you see is a big flaming ship of a middle finger by some angry guy who clearly doesn't want you there. I was eager to meet said man and then genocide his entire fucking village in front of him.

My favourite part of the first zone is that the place is as safe as the impact site of a nuclear bomb. "Howling" in Howling Fjord comes from the sound you will make when you assume you can leave Valgarde without dying horribly. The only entrance and exit isn't sealed or anything, but it's being attacked by possible thing that the zone can throw at you. This includes, and is not limited to: Giant drake riders which spew fire on the base, angry norse lumberjacks who haven't been laid for eons and also giant antarctic dire wolves - just for the heck of it. I died a total of three times at the gates of Valgarde. This bitter experience gave me a taste of the cruel reality of this icy hellhole.



The rest is history, and by that - I mean I finally received some reinforcements. It came in the form of an angry gnome warlock by the name of Ralphie, and occasionally some Phin to go on the side. Together, we classified zones and renamed mobs in the name of science. Allow us to enlighten you all on the new names of the zones/mobs:

Zones/Instances

Dragonblight - Dragonshit
Borean Tundra - Boring shit
Azjol'Nerub - Assjuice Nigger
Wyrmrest Temples - Shitrest
Icecrown - Icefail

Mobs

90% of the mobs in Northrend - Now classified under the sub-phylum - CUNTS (thanks Ralphie)
Magnataurs (Both Alpha and Young) - Shitfase
Ghouls - HURRRADURRRAs
Blightmancers - Ghost Police
Trolls - Dicks
Drakuru (Troll guy in Zul'Drak) - BIG BOSSU
Ralphie/Darkshaunz in Ghoul disguise - Junior Vice Presidents of the shitty Zul'Drak logistics corps.
Everything else leftover - Shitfuck Failures

Anyway, I powered to level 80 because I'm Asian, but I couldn't have done it without the help of Ralphie and Phinsded (thanks guyz). Let's talk about PvP in Broth of the Bitch King.





Strand of the Ancients - They should have left it ancient and forgotten

Strand of the Ancients was basically inspired by the Battlefield series, and has all the shit which made me angry playing BF2/BF2142. Basically the goal is to rush for the vehicles before someone else - ignoring the 40 or so Horde already on the docks already crawling up your ass with totems, DoTs and epic polearms. After whoring the catapults for yourself, you then begin your slow crawl to the gates to take them down (alone and unescorted of course, everyone else in Alliance is too busy masturbating to hentai to give a shit about you and the objective).

Now, if by some miracle your alliance team manages to guide the two sloth-like siege engines to firing range - you then open fire and pray that your shots land on the gates. I've actually seen 1 out of the 2 siege engines completely ignore the gates and try to use the main gun to kill Horde players instead (a fine display of initiative there). If Elune/C'Thun/Yogg-Saron/Ragnaros is smiling upon you that day, you will actually knock down some gates and proceed to the relic chamber.

It is here you realize, "Oh okay, so the alliance forces decided to storm this god-forsaken fortress in the middle of nowhere to take over a spinning golden ball". If we were saving naked elves for delicious tentacle rape later, it would have made more sense. Or say, a chest full of gold or something - NOT A SPINNING GOLDEN BALL. To my horror, we are fighting for the same thing - in Wintergrasp. Goddamn do I have a bone to pick with Wintershit.





Wintergrasp - ALL HAIL THE OVERMIND

Wintergrasp is what I call Strand of the Ancients: Zerg Edition. Here, instead of roleplaying Battlefield soldiers - you roleplay Koreans as you singlemindedly zerg.....GATES (Holy shit! what a surprise!). The first spam of shit you experience in this battlefield is not spells, explosives or anything like that. Rather, it's the 9 thousand people calling out "INV PLZ" "invite" "PLS INV" "Who do I PST for INV!?". If this barrage of crying and tears isn't enough to kill your character, then you might have what it takes to challenge the laggy fuckfest that is Wintershit. Because, Allah willing, you might actually get a framerate which isn't negative.

You approach the main gate to the fortress and you see the sea of green and know that you've arrived in the frontline. It's pretty easy to imagine Wintershit - just picture Dalaran in your mind...now add a sea of fire, AoE spells and the sound of thousands WoW characters dying all at once and you got it. As George Dubya once so eloquently said, "War is a dangerous to be". I agree, because in Wintershit, you can die just by standing around doing nothing. That's right, I died twice when I was like 50 yards away from the main frontline. For some magical reason, my chick was taking damage whilst she was taking cover behind like 4 siege tanks (these are everywhere). You know a zone is shit when your character self-mutilates.

The scenario in this zone gets interesting when the first and second gate collapses. By interesting I mean it gets even more unplayable than the first half hour of the siege. At this point, every imaginable Horde in the entire goddamned continent has rallied to protect their pride and honour - defending a SPINNING GOLDEN BALL. Like what the fuck were the Ancients thinking? "Hey Jotun, let's put these golden balls at the most arbitrary of places and then watch these idiot young races massacre each other for it! It'll be a hoot man!". Do we even know what the balls do? Do they grant wishes? Do they sell gold at cheaper prices online? Why exactly are we sending 3 full companies of siege tanks to take this shit?

So if fate is kind to you that day, your zerg will be better than the other team's, and thankfully, my first Wintershit game was a victory to the alliance (the end is coming soon, I know). Then the place transforms into an instance (Vault of Archavaron I think?) and you can access other BGs from there. Which is actually kind of cool - so at least this golden ball relic does something useful, but that's still a lot of work for an instance and token reward vendors.



In the meantime, I'll be doing dailies, PvP'ing and complaining about how my Gryphon always dive crashes whenever I enter Wintershit airspace. Add "Tentarukia" to your friends list for tentacle sex cyber and hentai site recommendations. Don't be a stranger now, oh well - you are all going to be violated in all your holes eventually anyway~



Yours,
Dark "Tentarukia" Shaunz
Junior Vice President of Logistics at Zul'Drak










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